Harry Potter, The Weakest Link!
by ILoveVeggieTales
Summary: PG to be safe. This one is the good copy, read this one! Lemme know what you think, R/R!
1. Round One

A/N: Hello! This is my first fic, and I don't know how funny it is or what   
  
everyone thinks! So R/R and let me know!   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Duh.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Big Scary Voice: Welcome to THE WEAKEST LINK, HARRY POTTER STYLE!  
  
McGonagall: Welcome to The Weakest Link, A Hogwartian Special. I am   
  
Professor Minerva McGonagall, your host. These 9 lucky contestants will now   
  
proceed to work together as a "team" to attempt to achieve the highest total   
  
amount of galleons by answering questions. They must also be prepared to   
  
eliminate players who bring the team down. Let's meet the contestants!  
  
-Harry: Harry Potter, 15, the Boy Who Lived, Gryffindor Seeker.  
  
-Lucius: Lucius Malfoy, 36, Death Eater.  
  
-Sevvie: Severus Snape, 36, Potions Master formerly known as a Death Eater.  
  
-Fred: Fred Weasley, 17, Gryffindor Beater.  
  
-Lily: Lily Evans, 36, mother of Harry  
  
-Hermione: Hermione Granger, 15, Gryffindor Prefect.  
  
-Voldy: Lord Voldemort, 79, the Dark Lord and Supreme Magic Dude.  
  
-Sirius: Sirius Black, 36, Innocent convict, Unlisted Animagus, Dead sexy!  
  
-Mrs. Norris: Meow, meow, meow-meow, m-meow.  
  
Harry: *looks at Lily * Mum!  
  
Voldy: Hey! *Points at Lily * I killed you ages ago! And you, *points to Sirius*   
  
you kicked the bucket, too!  
  
Lily: Ha! I came back to life to add interest to this fic!  
  
Sirius: And I came back on popular demand!  
  
All: Oh.  
  
Fred: Uh, question? Why is there a cat here?  
  
Hermione: Yeah, what's with that, Professor McGonagall?  
  
McGonagall: Publicity reasons.  
  
All: Oh.  
  
McGonagall: Are you done?  
  
Lucius: No! I haven't said anything so far except my brief bio!  
  
Sevvie: Ditto!  
  
Mrs. Norris: HISS!!  
  
McGonagall: *ignores them * I hope you know all the rules, because I honestly   
  
don't feel like going through them! But I suppose I'll explain the whole time   
  
thingy.  
  
All: Awwww…  
  
McGonagall: Oh, shut up, all of you! Players will be asked questions. At each   
  
correct answer your bank amount increases until you reach the goal, which is   
  
10,000 galleons. If you pass or incorrectly answer a question, the chain   
  
empties and it will start at zero. Saying "bank" at your turn saves the current   
  
amount of money and the chain will return to zero. The fastest way to reach   
  
your goal is by correctly answering 9 consecutive questions. At the start of the   
  
round you will have 2 minutes 30 seconds to gain as much money as you can.   
  
At the end of each round you must vote off the player you think is the Weakest   
  
Link. The Sorting Hat has chosen who will go first, and it shall be Ms. Granger.  
  
Hermione: Yay!  
  
McGonagall: Start the clock! Hermione, what is the incantation for the   
  
levitation charm?  
  
Hermione: Wingardium Leviosa.  
  
McGonagall: Correct. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, which evil wizard's name   
  
was once Tom Marvolo Riddle?  
  
Voldy: Uh, ME!!!  
  
McGonagall: Correct. Sirius, in what city is the headquarters of the Order of   
  
the Phoenix?  
  
Sirius: I shouldn't say this, but what the hell, London.  
  
McGonagall: Correct. Mrs. Norris, what is the one word that makes up the   
  
Meow-Mix song?  
  
Mrs. Norris: Meow.  
  
McGonagall: Correct. Harry, who killed your parents?  
  
Harry: Voldemort! *tear *  
  
McGonagall: Correct. Lucius, what mark do Death Eaters have on their skin?  
  
Lucius: Uh…oh, I know this, CURSE THIS BLOND HAIR! Uh…the Dark Mark?  
  
McGonagall: Correct. Severus, where can I find a bezoar?  
  
Sevvie: In the stomach of a goat.  
  
McGonagall: Correct. Fred, what is the Weasley trademark?  
  
Fred: Red hair and freckles, like every other Weasley in existence!  
  
McGonagall: Correct. Lily, what's Harry's eye color?  
  
Lily: Green! Like my sparkly peepers!  
  
McGonagall: Correct. You have reached your goal of 10,000 galleons, but, I'm   
  
supposed to criticize you, so…uh, you all suck.  
  
Fred: That insult sucked!   
  
Hermione: That was rude!  
  
Fred: Since I'm not in school anymore, I can be rude and do what ever I bloody   
  
well like!  
  
Voldy: I wanna be the host!  
  
All: NO!  
  
Lucius: Uh, what happened?  
  
Harry: You're such a blond.  
  
Lily: Harry! Don't talk to adults like that! You're grounded!  
  
Sirius: HELLOOOO!! Can't you see that Mrs. Norris is in no state to play? She's   
  
a freaking cat!  
  
Sevvie: Who cares?  
  
Sirius: Why don't we just substitute her with someone else…  
  
McGonagall: Fine, fine, let's bring in…*points her wand at Mrs. Norris and she   
  
disappears, and in her place comes…  
  
Ludo Bagman: *appears in his boxers, dancing * Do the funky chicken! *Looks   
  
around * WHERE AM I!?  
  
Lucius: MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lily: *to Ludo* Don't worry; we'll get you some nice clothes! *points her wand   
  
and turns his boxers pink*  
  
Sevvie: Let me show you how it's really done! *Ludo sprouts feathers*  
  
Harry: Step aside, armatures! *Ludo turns green*  
  
Voldy: No, let me fix you some clothing!! *Ludo's ears start smoking*  
  
Hermione: *sighs and turns Ludo back to normal, fully clothed*  
  
((A/N: I got this idea from another author, props to whoever came up w/ it))  
  
Ludo: …Where am I?  
  
Harry: Well, we don't exactly know either, but I think we're on a game show.  
  
Lucius: You think? You're the blond!  
  
Lily: Don't talk about my baby boy that way! *Turns his hair greasy*  
  
Lucius: *screams like a girl* No, now I look like Sevvie!  
  
Sevvie: One, my hair is NOT that bad! Two, what's with this "Sevvie"   
  
business!?  
  
Sirius: Aw, that's such a cute wittle name, wittle Sevvikins!  
  
Sevvie: Grrrrr…  
  
Fred: Wait…the real Weakest Link host has red hair!  
  
Lily: Yeah!  
  
Hermione: How in the world do you know! None of us even know exactly   
  
where we are!  
  
Fred: Don't bring me down, Hermy!  
  
Sirius: Well, Minnie certainly doesn't have red hair, what do we do?  
  
Sevvie: *sees what Fred's getting at* Uh, no, it, uh, looks red to me!  
  
Fred: The only way this game can continue is if me an' Minnie switch places!   
  
We have to!  
  
McGonagall: Minnie!?  
  
Lily: What about me!?  
  
Fred: You have to keep Sirius in check!  
  
Sirius: *about to up a live carp in Sevvie's pants* I wasn't doin' anything!  
  
Lily: You better watch it Sirius!   
  
Sirius: *meekly* Yes, m'am!  
  
Fred: Alright! I'm officially the new host! Off you go, Minnie!  
  
McGonagall: *walks discontentedly back to Fred's place*  
  
Voldy, Sevvie, Lucius: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone else: *groans*  
  
Ludo: So…Someone want to tell me how to play?  
  
Fred: Shove it, you skinflint! You stole money from me an' George!  
  
Ludo: Skin-what?  
  
Fred: *ignores him* Okay, we're supposed to vote.  
  
Sirius: Vote? I think that's too hard for some blond people on this show…  
  
Lucius: HEY!  
  
BSV: Everyone is the strongest link, everyone answered their question   
  
correctly.  
  
Fred: Okay, Sirius is serious…ha ha! Sirius is serious! Ha ha okay, that was   
  
lame…anyway, voting seems to be too confusing, being that everyone in that   
  
last round answered every question correctly. So, start the clock!  
  
Minnie: Mr. Weasley, you have to pick who goes first.  
  
Fred: Well, this delicate procedure has to be done in the most scientifically   
  
advanced way any of us have ever heard of!  
  
Voldy: Hurry it up!  
  
Fred: Okay, rock, paper, scissors!  
  
*time passes*  
  
Fred: Harry! You win! You get to go first! Start the clock! Harry, what is the   
  
Thanksgiving turkey's real name?  
  
Harry: Er-  
  
Fred: Incorrect. Lucius, what's the difference between sleeping and slumber?  
  
Lucius: Sleeping has -eeping and slumber has –umber?  
  
Fred: Incorrect. Sevvie, why did the chicken cross the road?  
  
Sevvie: What kind of stupid questions are these!?  
  
Fred: Hey, I'm the host I'll do what ever I bloody well like!  
  
Sevvie: Grrrr…  
  
Fred: Incorrect. Minnie, what came first, the chicken or the egg?  
  
Minnie: I must agree, these questions are preposterous!  
  
Fred: Don't try to sound smart using big words like that; it just makes you look   
  
ignorant.  
  
Minnie: What?  
  
Fred: I SAID, DON'T TRY TO SOUND SMAR-  
  
Minnie: No, I heard what you said, it just did make sense!  
  
Fred: Incorrect. Lily, why do needles have eyes when they can't see?  
  
Lily: To be perfectly honest, I have no idea.  
  
Fred: Correct. I like your honesty; it's the best policy. Hermy, what are   
  
meatballs really made of?  
  
Hermione: Well, if you look at the formulae 3/y +45x and 67/w=x, then, going   
  
by the…   
  
*Hours pass*  
  
Hermione: …so clearly, meatballs along with dairy products, monkeys, and   
  
sealing wax simply can't be comprehended by the wizarding world.  
  
*crickets chirping*  
  
Fred: Uh, I guess so, but we kinda ran out of time-  
  
Minnie: You should have banked!  
  
Hermy: I didn't have time!  
  
Voldy, Sirius, and Ludo: But we didn't get a turn!  
  
Fred: Don't care!  
  
Female members of audience: HOW COULD YOU NOT CARE ABOUT SIRIUS?!?!?!?   
  
*break out machine guns*  
  
Fred: Okay, okay! Um--sorry. Anyway-  
  
BSV: Lily is the Strongest Link, answering her question right. Hermione is the   
  
Weakest link because she didn't bank.  
  
Hermy: But I couldn't! I ran out of time!  
  
Fred: Sorry, Hermy, you're the Weakest Link! The wheel's spinning but the   
  
hamster's dead! The lights are on but nobody's home! The dog's barking but   
  
no one's at the door! The-  
  
Hermione: OKAY, OKAY! Fine, I'm leaving!  
  
*Backstage*  
  
Rita Skeeter: So, Hermione, what do you have to say about this game so far?  
  
Hermione: Well, I just have to say, they're all going to FAIL MISERABLY   
  
WITHOUT MY BIG, BEAUTIFUL BRAIN-  
  
Rita: Thank you, that's all! Who will be next? Find out!  
  
*Back onstage*  
  
Harry: You know, It's gonna be a little boring when we get down to only a few   
  
people…  
  
Sirius: Lets bring in someone else!  
  
Minnie: Okay…Here goes! *Minnie points her wand at Hermy's old spot and who   
  
should appear but…  
  
~~~~~To Be Continued~~~~~  
  
BSV/Author's note: Who should appear? There are eight players left! Who will   
  
be the new number nine? R/R! Any requests for the new contestant? Let me   
  
know! 


	2. Round Two

A/N: Okay, updates, um, thanx 4 the reviews! Now, for the latest installment…  
  
Disclaimer: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I also don't own The Weakest   
  
Link…again, duh. I don't own squat.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
*And who should appear but…*   
  
Professor Umbridge appears in a pink bikini w/ a flowered shower cap and   
  
water wings  
  
Umbridge: What the- Wha- Thi-this is totally uncalled for!  
  
All: MY EYES!!!!!  
  
Sirius: Wait, that joke was already used!  
  
Lily: So sue us; it's the uncreative author's fault!  
  
Me: *tear*  
  
Harry: Ugh, put some close on!   
  
Lily: Let me help!  
  
Sevvie: And me!  
  
Harry: And me!  
  
Voldy: And me!  
  
Umbridge: No! I'm a fully-grown witch! I can do it myself! *conjures clothes*  
  
All: *sigh in relief*  
  
Ludo: Hello there!  
  
Sevvie: *glares* That was random and uncalled for. Grrrr. I hate you!  
  
Ludo: You're such a b*tch!  
  
All: *gasp*  
  
Lucius: He doesn't resemble a female dog to me.  
  
Ludo: I never said he was.  
  
Lucius: Who'd you call a b*itch, then?  
  
All: *gasp*  
  
Ludo: Sevvie.  
  
Lucius: He doesn't resemble a female dog to me.  
  
Ludo: I never said he was.  
  
Lucius: Who'd you call a b*itch, then?  
  
All: *gasp*  
  
Ludo: Sevvie.  
  
Lucius: He doesn't resemble a female dog to me.  
  
Ludo: I never said he was.  
  
Lucius: Who'd you call a b*itch, then?  
  
All: *gasp*  
  
Ludo: Sevvie.  
  
Lily: HEY! My son is here and you're all being BAD ROLE MODELS!  
  
Voldy: I always hated you son, what do I care?  
  
Lily: *fumes*  
  
Voldy: Eeek, sorry!  
  
Umbridge: Hem hem.  
  
All: *twitch*  
  
Minnie: *in overly controlled tone* Y…e…s…?  
  
Umbridge: Where am I? As the High Inquisitor I must know about-  
  
Harry: Oh, stow it!  
  
Lily: Harry! You're on a muggle game show.  
  
Umbridge: *glares at no one in particular* How do I play? And next time keep   
  
a muzzle on that sorry excuse for a son!  
  
Sirius: Uh oh…  
  
Sevvie: Watch it! She's gonna blow!  
  
Lily: *silence* …What…did you say…?  
  
Umbridge: You heard me! Now, tell me how to play?  
  
Lily: *tackles Umbridge*   
  
Every Harry Potter Fan in existence: SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRE!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lily: *punching Umbridge*  
  
Harry: Mum, it's okay…  
  
Lily: *resembles a disgruntled bear*  
  
Fred: Enough of this cheerful banter! Let's start with the second round! Sirius   
  
shall be first or some demented fan-girls are going to slowly rip out my   
  
fingernails after painting them pink! Okay! Let's go! Sirius, if Peter Piper   
  
picked a peck of pickled peppers, how many peppers did Peter Piper pick?  
  
Sirius: Hmm…That would be one hundre-  
  
Umbridge: Oh, I know this game! The "Weakest Kink," right?  
  
Lily: *sarcastically* That's Link. Good for you, did you figure that out for   
  
yourself?   
  
Sirius: Hey, It's my turn! Fred, my answer was one hundred fifty seven!  
  
Fred: Correct. Ludo, why are they called "napkins" when they have nothing to   
  
do with napping?  
  
Ludo: So, I answer this question now?  
  
All: Yes.  
  
Minnie: YOU SHOULD HAVE BANKED!  
  
Fred: Incorrect. Harry, why did the chicken cross the road?  
  
Harry: To get to the other side? *shrugs*  
  
Fred: Incorrect. Lucius, how much bigger would the universe be if there were   
  
no planets?  
  
Lucius: Erm, seventy-five cubic square feet?  
  
Fred: Incorrect. Sevvie, if multiple gooses are "geese" then why aren't   
  
multiple mooses called "meese?"  
  
Sevvie: …because-  
  
Fred: Correct-  
  
Sevvie: I didn't finish my answer.  
  
Fred: Incorrect.  
  
All: *grumble* SEVVIE!  
  
Sevvie: Sorry!  
  
Fred: Hello, it's Minnie's turn! Ready?  
  
Minnie: Yes!  
  
Fred: Incorrect. Lily-  
  
Minnie: Wait, what was my question?  
  
Fred: "Ready?"  
  
Minnie: Yes!!  
  
Fred: Well that was incorrect.  
  
Minnie: But what was my question?  
  
Fred: "READY!!!"  
  
Minnie: YES!!!  
  
Fred: INCORRECT!!!   
  
Minnie: But I don't know what my question was-  
  
Lily: SHUT UP!!!!! It's my turn!  
  
Sirius: Temper, temper! Between you and Molly, honestly…what is it with   
  
redheaded women…?  
  
Fred: I quite agree, Sirius. Now, Lily, why are they called buildings when   
  
they're already built?  
  
Lily: Again, to tell the truth I haven't the faintest.  
  
Fred: Correct. You should all be more like Lily; tell the truth. Umbridge, why   
  
does everyone hate you?  
  
Umbridge: Bank. No one hates me!  
  
Fred: Incorrect. We hate you because you exist.  
  
Umbridge: *proceeds to look excessively pompous and disgruntled*  
  
Fred: Voldy, why are they called buildings when they're already built?  
  
Minnie: No, you already asked that question!  
  
Fred: What did I say!  
  
Minnie: "Voldy, why are they called buildings when they're already built?"  
  
Fred: No, before that.  
  
Minnie: "Incorrect. We hate you because you exist."  
  
Fred: No, no, no, the other thing!  
  
Minnie: "Correct. You should all be more like Lily; tell the truth. Umbridge,   
  
why does everyone hate you?"  
  
Fred: NO! The part about me, the host, doing whatever I bloody well like!  
  
Voldy: So?  
  
Fred: Incorrect. Sirius—Oh, look, we've run out of time!  
  
Umbridge: You didn't even start the clock!  
  
BSV: I did!  
  
Harry: *shudders* Who and what is that!?  
  
Lucius: A disembodied voice! *looks astounded at his own brilliance*  
  
Harry: Oh, whew, well that's okay then!  
  
Fred: Well, we have to vote now…or replace…or something…  
  
Voldy: Well, you know, I'm getting kind of sick of Harry…can we get rid of him?  
  
All: Yeah!  
  
Harry: You too, mum!?  
  
Lily: Sorry Harry, dear, but you are a bit bland. I was expecting more of a   
  
personality…  
  
Fred: So it's settled, Harry, you are the Weakest Link! You are the one whose   
  
intelligence capacity rivals that of a jar of mustard!  
  
All: *silence*  
  
Fred: A joke, it was a JOKE!  
  
Harry: *grumbles and walks backstage*  
  
*Backstage*  
  
Rita Skeeter: So, Harry, that's gotta hurt, having the whole cast dismiss you,   
  
even your own mum! Why, you must be the most boring person on earth if-  
  
Harry: You're not helping. I hope no one wins. I don't even know how anyone   
  
is going to win!  
  
Rita Skeeter: Well, Harry, you're the Weakest Link, so get of my stage…Now!   
  
*Onstage*   
  
Minnie: Alright…let's see…*points her wand at Harry's old place and who   
  
should appear but our very own…*  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
**~~~~~~Who should appear?! Again, thanks for the reviews everyone! Hope   
  
you all liked it!~~~~~~~~** 


	3. Note

I'm so sorry I haven't been updating!  
  
It's been mucho busy,  
  
Vacation  
  
And SCHOOL  
  
(High School is evil, oh wait, that's just my English teacher…)  
  
Okay, I hope to put more soon!  
  
Sorry! 


End file.
